Two more lies told to children

Johann and I were talking about our childhoods the other day, and he related two stories his mother used to tell him that made my hair stand on end and my arse drop off I laughed so much.

The first was the tale of the giant frog that lived under the bathtub. Johann’s mom told him that if he stayed in the bath so long that his skin started wrinkling, he’d turn into a jelly-like substance and, when the water was let out, the frog that lived under the bathtub would suck up this Johann-jelly. As a result, Johann has vivid memories of playing happily in the bath as a little boy, but repeatedly checking the skin on his fingers, and the minute a wrinkle appeared, screaming in genuine terror, ‘Maaaaa! I have to get out! Now!!’

The other – which, although still pretty twisted, perhaps makes a titchy-tad more sense – was the tale of the giant rat that lived in the kitchen cupboard. In order to stop her children unpacking the lower shelves of her kitchen cupboards (and all kids do love to do this), she told them that if they poked their nose in there, the giant rat that lived there would pop out and bite it clean off.

Really, it’s a bloody miracle we've turned out as normally as we have.