Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Home for the Bewildered: blog ennui

For being so neglectful of this blog, I deserve nothing less than a running fuck-slap. (Isn't that an incandescently excellent expression? Doesn't it perfectly sum up what you would like to deliver to your ex-husband, your thick-as-a-plank boss, or the boned-headed 'consultant' at your local cell-phone shop?)

I wish I could claim credit for this shiny, nuggety expression, but I can't. I magpied it, with delight, from the irrepressible and fearless Briget of the blog Because i can. Briget says the rudest and funniest things about about her enemies (mainly, her ex-husband, and her husband's ex-wife), and does so defiantly, without giving a fig about being sued or interdicted or beaten to a pulp by vicious lawyers or online crazies.

My goodness, but I wish I was as brave as Briget, and had the balls to say online what I really think.

But back to the future: why do I need a running fuck-slap? Well, my my knuckles are a bit bruised after my darling co-blogger Muriel gave me a good rapping, via email, reminding me that this is a joint blog, and that I should take the trouble to contribute to it. I offered Muriel a few feeble excuses as to why I've been absent, knowing perfectly well that she wouldn't buy them.

The truth is that I've been slack-arsed about posting on this blog. Why?

Good question. Truth be told, I haven't been in the mood for sharing.

For the first time in my life, I feel curiously - and excitingly - silent. As someone who has spent her entire life chattering (I was born a chirper, and have spent my whole life talking), this newfound silence is a novel experience.

It's not that my brain isn't thinking: it is. But the fact is that I haven't found anything really useful, entertaining or nasty to say on this blog over the past few months. I haven't felt the slightest need to whine, whinge or criticise. I haven't wanted to lambast anyone, or be maddened by politicians, or get aimlessly cross about sillly things and small-minded, evil people.

I have blog ennui. My attention has wandered, my interests have changed, and my priorities have gone for an aimless walk in the woods. Ever since I turned 47, a month ago, I've felt slightly disconnected, somewhat astonished, and not a little outraged to learn that I'm three years away from my sixth decade on this earth.

I am looking forward, in short, to going to the Home for The Bewildered Blogger.

There are three possible reasons (or excuses) for my sudden volte-face:

1. Being angry is just too exhausting

2. Please pass my knitting, and a double gin and tonic while you're about it

3. I have a running-fuckslap deficiency.

Or all three of the above.

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9 comments:

bewildered said...

could you enlighten as to what actually is involved with a running f**k slap?

tonypark said...

Well, Juno, I am afraid that is just not good enough.

For the past month, since getting a new computer with Windows Vista on it I have been unable to open salmagundi without it crashing and shutting down.

Today, finally, for some reason I can log on and I see that you have nothing to offer and Muriel hasn't posted for a couple of weeks.

Not good enough. Running fuckslaps to both of you while I trawl thro0ugh Muriels recent posts.

I use reading you blog and commenting on it as an excuse for not writing my own,,, I need you, damnit!

ali g said...

have had the same problem with your site
Opens up but then 'windows' message appears and site freezes:-
"Internet explorer cannot open the internet site http//:salma-gundi.blogspot.com/"

"Operation aborted"

click on OK button and site goes blank.
have been then hitting back button and site re-appears & is OK.
thought it might be my computer. It has 'Vista' also but have had no previous probs until about a month or so ago.
Re bewildered's comment...interested too.
any enlightenment coming??

meggie said...

This opened ok for me. I am still with pre historic Blogger?
Do not wish to indulge in fuck-slapping anyone, though I know a few deserving recipients.
CheersXX

Juno said...

@ Tony: thanks for the running FS. I don't know why you can't open Blogger; I shall write and complain. No, wait, I will first Google the problem, and get back to you.

Ditto Ali.

@ meggie: Who? I think we should jointly prepare a list of famous people who deserve runnings RFSs.

BecauseIcan said...

LMFAO!!

I would hardly call myself fearless.. because if I were.. then I would be talking less about giving runningfuckslaps and handing them out more..

Dont leave just yet.. You will be missed. Rather just take a small break.. ;-)

I am sure that in no time you will find something to whine, whinge or criticise about!!

:-))

Juno said...

Thanks Briget. Give them out! Give them out! Just so know how to deliver them.

ReasonCheck said...

Love the runningfuckslaps. Another good source of inspiration is the TV series Dexter. Deb Morgan has got one of the foulest mouths going. Like when asked how much coffee she's had, she said "a metric fuck ton".

disa said...

I love it ! Very creative ! That's actually really cool Thanks.