Monday, 8 December 2008

I can’t remember signing up for this when I had legal, socially approved, marital sex

My teens have just finished writing end-of-year exams and wanted to blow off a bit of steam.

So they started, creative creatures that they are, by having a snip-and-dye hairdresser-fest on the verandah with a few of their friends. When it was over, my son looked like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, my daughter looked like a Playboy centrefold, and I had two hours of cleaning up to do.

By that time, however, they had hit the town and, breathing a sigh of relief, I climbed into bed with a good book.

At some ungodly hour of the morning I was woken by hysterical screams. I sprang from my bed, my hair putting all its little hands up. Racing out of the house, intent on saving some poor innocent denizen from certain death, I was confronted by scene straight out of a teen-slasher movie: what seemed to be dozens of (but turned out to be about 10) teenagers, butt-naked, leaping noisily in and out of my pool.

‘This isn’t acceptable!’ I shouted, King Canute-like, from the top step of the verandah. ‘You must leave!’

I was resoundingly ignored.

A person stumbled past me, looking intent on sucking someone’s neck. My son!

‘Hey!’ I yelled at him. ‘Get these people out of here!’

He gazed at me in a diffuse kind of way, then said, amiably enough, ‘Okay, ma,’ before plunging into the plumbago and falling fast asleep.

It took about half an hour and a lot of ungentle encouragement to get the last of the teens into their clothes, on their feet, and off my property.

I had to physically remove my son (who is 6’3’’ and has swimmer’s shoulders) from the herbaceous border and into his bed, while my daughter spent some time indulging in a technicolour yawn in the bathroom.

Let this be a warning to those newlyweds who say, with stars in their eyes, ‘Darling, let’s have a baby.’

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2 comments:

Johann said...

Would love to hear what YOUR dad has to say about this post! Do invite him to submit a guest blog, please!

meggie said...

Oh Yeah! SO agree!