Sunday, 25 May 2008

A modern horror-movie experience: where only the truly gorgeous survive

I recently had a momentary lapse of reason and allowed my 18-year-old son, a fantasy/science-fiction freak, to hire a DVD for us. He came back with something called Resident Evil: Extinction.

I steeled myself for two hours of violence and boredom (a nasty combination), so was delighted instead to be enormously entertained. This is what I learnt from Resident Evil: Extinction:

* After the apocalypse (in this case, a virus that escapes and turns most of the world’s population into flesh-eating zombies), only tall people with flawless skin, perfectly proportioned facial features and a total absence of cellulite, survive.

* Although in the post-apocalyptic world, life is a constant battle to find food and water (and avoid flesh-eating zombies), the survivors all have the time and apparently the resources to have their hair done and put on lipstick each morning. (And all the beautiful young men are clean-shaven, save for one, who has artful stubble.)

* If you are going to be the hero-girl in the post-apocalyptic world, part of your uniform must be a long flappy coat (which never gets in the way of your use of your two long knives and several guns), and you must wear very short shorts – and under those shorts, a pair of suspenders and stockings.

* As the inappropriately-dressed hero-girl, you will always have clean, shining hair and a freshly-washed and made-up face; but you will, occasionally, have slightly dirty fingernails.

* The post-apocalyptic world will have a dearth of everything (food, water, fuel, game reserves, good restaurants, etc) but all technological devices (hologram producers, GPS systems, conference lines, computers, etc) will work perfectly, every time.

* Chargeable devices (portable GPS systems, cellphones, etc) will have neverending battery life.

* If you are a hero in the post-apocalyptic world and your ammunition runs out (this happens very, very seldom), you will be able to throw your weapon at a zombie and it will take his head clean off.

I might have learnt other fabulous factoids from this movie but eventually had to stop watching because, as much as I enjoyed the show (once or twice I actually rolled around on the floor), I annoyed my son so much that he finally left the room. And it’s no fun watching a schlock-horror movie like this without pointing out the anomalies to someone else.

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