Wednesday, 9 April 2008

A weight-loss experiment

While I’m not what you could exactly call fat, I certainly have a few kilos that I wouldn’t miss if they went missing, particularly around the bum area. And my friend Johann, who is actually perfectly proportioned, thinks he might gain from a bit of weight-loss as well.

So I decided, because I am a selfless person who doesn’t mind putting herself in the forefront of experimentation if it means we can take giant researchical leaps forward, to embark on a herbal slimming treatment that is currently being enthusiastically punted in the press. Johann was keen too: if it worked, he’d take it; if I died, he wouldn’t.

(In one particularly bizarre TV advert for this product, a curiously gummy woman tells us, ‘I was too embarrassed to go out.’ Naturally I assumed her problem was dental, and therefore was quite astonished to discover it was because she was too fat to be seen in public. My question, as cynical as it may seem, is: would anyone notice that you’re as big as an elephant if you don’t have the normal number of teeth?)

Anyway, I began taking these pills a few days ago. They promise, aside from turning you fairly quickly from Princess Fiona into Tanya van Graan, ‘no side effects’, ‘enhanced mood’ (oooh, yes please!) and ‘extra energy’. I mean, really, how can a girl resist?

You’re supposed to take one before breakfast and one before dinner – immediately a problem for me, because I either eat Thai curry for breakfast, then don’t stop eating all day; or I eat nothing at all. It’s not because I have bulimia (I wish!) or anything even vaguely as interesting or hip-svelting as that – it’s that I can honestly only eat when I’m hungry, and that only happens every few days; but, I promise, when I’m hungry, I’m really hungry. (Maybe I haven’t entirely shucked the reptilian part of my brain – I’m available for experimental testing if anyone’s interested?)

So I’ve admittedly not been sticking exactly to the herbal-diet regimen, but these, so far, are my findings:
1. I have a very dry mouth – surely a ‘side effect’? (Johann’s comment: ‘We can live with that! Skinny and dry-mouthed will be just fine!’)
2. I have more or less constant diarrhoea. My friend T tells me that we should poo three times a day (really? where would we find the time?) but this is just ridiculous.
3. I’m not measurably happier (although this may have something to do with the shits).
4. My kidneys are sore and I haven’t had anything alcoholic to drink in three days. (Johann’s comment: ‘Stick with it! Everyone knows you can survive with only one kidney! Anyway, your middle will be thinner with only one kidney!’)
5. I slept for 9 hours last night and a further 3 this afternoon while Eskom shed loads (an irony if ever there were one). I’m completely, utterly exhausted. When’s the ‘added energy’ thing going to kick in?
6. I’m really, really hungry. (Johann’s comment: ‘Don’t worry about that! Remember, it stops fat sticking!’ Now I imagine that everything I put in my mouth has a layer of Pritt on it.)
7. I have put on 2kg.

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Juno said...

Oh Mur, how depressing. I have one thing to say on the subject of weight-loss, and that is: I Don't Want To Talk About It.

Muriel said...

Juno darling don't take it too much to heart. I'm not. Just off to have a slice of chocolate cake and a HUGE glass of calories-filled wine. (Oh, and a herbal slimming pill.)

tonypark said...

I was hoping your pills might have worked.

I've tried cutting back on my alcohol consumption and exercising more these last couple of weeks but, seriously, what is the point of a life full of exercise and devoid of booze?

I ask you.

Muriel said...

I'm still carrying the extra 2kg I gained in the first few days of taking the pills and although I'm persevering there's been absolutely no measurable effect downwards. What has happened, however, is that about half an hour after I've taken a pill, my body temperature rises so that I have a not altogether unpleasant sweating session that lasts about 20 minutes. It's probably doing terrible things to my system but at least it's SOMETHING.