Thursday, 29 November 2007

Incredibly annoying and unbelievably stupid

Writing on his Thought Leader blog, Riaan Wolmarans has come up with a list of people who should be dragged into the street and shot. 'It’s simply a list of those around me who were seemingly born missing a significant quantity of brain matter, and who therefore constantly act in utter stupidity without any consideration towards the rest of humanity,' he writes.

Wolmarans must be a patient and pragmatic chap, because his list seems to me a very modest one. My personal list, even excluding politicians, estate agents, bigots, Bible thumpers, New Agers, taxi drivers, etc, would fill an entire telephone directory.

So, following Wolmarans's calm and reasoned approach, and in a sincere effort not to be a grumpy old person, I have pared down my own list to a demure nine items.

I wouldn't shoot these people, exactly, but I might manacle them to a chair and make them read the 100 000-or so words spewed since breakfast this morning from the glistening orifice of Ronald Suresh Roberts.

  • people who think traffic circles are four-way stops
  • copywriters who think up stupid, wankerish slogans* for car manufacturers
  • drivers who crawl, inch by agonising inch, towards traffic lights, and then, in a burst of amazing energy, zip through just as they change, leaving you fuming at a red light
  • the person who came up with the idea of making perforations in clingfilm (good idea!) and then spaced the perforations so that each sheet is just too small to cover a salad bowl or plate
  • Anti-evolutionists who say, triumphantly, 'Well, if we're descended from apes, how come there are STILL APES?' (Look in a mirror, troglodyte)
  • The person who invented the rigid, titanium-grade-plastic boxes in which printer cartridges and SIM cards are packaged
  • People who let their dogs poo in the park during walkies, all the while whistling nonchalantly, pretending not to notice that Simba's just dropped a steamer
  • Poephols People who whine about crime, then merrily break thirty traffic laws on their way to the shop to buy milk and bread
  • Vapid celebutarts who say to interviewers, 'I'm a terribly very private person,' and then invite glossy magazines into their homes to photograph their babies

  • It took steely self-discipline to put together that list. Feel free to add to it (remember, no politicians, etc).

    * For example (and these are doubly stupid in a husky, fake-French woman's whisper, or a gravelly how-elephantine-is-my-dick growl).

    shift_expectations; shift_convention (Nissan)
    auto emocion (VW)
    vorsprung; vorsprung durch technik (Audi)
    Zoom-Zoom (Mazda)

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    tonypark said...

    Oh, and the people who think up the NAMES for cars..

    Toyota Kluger (Japanese for untamed African wilderness conqueror)
    Nissan Tiida (Norse goddess of ugliness)
    Nissan Qashqai (inedible asian root vegtable)
    Toyota Fortuner (don't quite have enough money for a land cruiser, but aspire to bigness).

    meggie said...

    Dont get me started!
    I will just say, most ad agency personnel.

    I am so glad Tony clarified the names of those vehicles. I had wondered what the hell Kluger was!

    Muriel said...

    People who phone you to try to flog you credit cards. The phone rings (usually at dinner time, but I've had calls from these nincompoops at 7 in the morning and 9 at night), you answer and identify yourself ('Hello, Muriel speaking') and the person says, 'Hello, is that Muriel?'

    'Yeeeees,' you say (stifling the urge to add, 'Are you deaf?')

    'Hello, Muriel, how are you?' he/she asks, as if he/she's a close friend phoning for a chat.

    At this stage I'm usually flooded with irritation and I snap, 'Who's this?'

    'It's Jane/Sipho, calling from Blahblah Banking,' says the nincompoop. 'We're running a special on credit cards...'


    BoonDock said...

    I always enjoy your posts (just thought I would get that off my chest :-))

    With reference to the comment:
    "Anti-evolutionists who say, triumphantly, 'Well, if we're descended from apes, how come there are STILL APES?' (Look in a mirror, troglodyte)"

    You have to check out the "Church of the Flying Spagetti Monster"..
    Hilarious.. and yet a brilliant counter to the "Intelligent Design" as a science crapola..

    angel said...

    bucking frilliant list! i honestly cannot think of anyone to add at this point...

    tonypark said...

    Ah, yes, Muriel... the telmarketers. How could I forget them (easy, they can't reach me in the bush).

    Most of ours are based in Bombay. They use internet telephony so you always know when it's them as the call is preceeded by a scratchy, hissing burst of static.

    Apparently, said telemarketers in India are being offered stress counselling (true) because some insensitve people (like me), on hearing the static burst yell "F#@CK OFF" and then hang up before they even get to say "Hello, Mr Park, this is..."