Tuesday, 23 October 2007

My handbag eats my cellphone

What do you do when your handbag rings? You reach deep into the bag and skoffel around, of course. Now, if you're a girl, you will know that the thing you are rummaging for will be the very last item you find (and then only after you've furiously shaken out the contents of your bag.) I call this Lady Bracknell's Law. If, for example, you're looking for your lipstick, you will pull out a pen, a pencil, an apple core, a battery, a lighter, a tampon and a roll of peppermints before you find the lipstick (which, if it is my lipstick, will emerge lidless, squashed, and lightly crumbed with tobacco dust). Parking tickets are the worst offenders: they burrow into nests of till slips, or slide into your purse and try to pass themselves off as business cards. Not a bad strategy - where do you hide a leaf, if not in a tree?).

Anyway, I have finally come up with a solution to the ringing handbag. I've changed the setting on my cell phone so that you can answer a call by pressing any button on the phone. When my handbag rings when I am in, say, the car, or a shop, I give it a thumping great wallop and a rough shake so that the phone knocks against the peppermints and answers itself. Then I open my bag, put it to my mouth and shout into its echoing Stygian depths, "Helloooooo! Sorry, but my bag has eaten my phone! Try again in ten minutes or leave a message!".

It works. Just today, my son said to me, 'I had a weird call from you today. I could hear your voice echoing faintly in the background, but there were also some strange whispers and sniggers and rustlings of paper.'

Is my handbag haunted?

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meggie said...

I love reading these posts! Between you & Muriel, I get such great laughs, & flashes of recognition!!

Audrey said...

Yup Meggie :-) what would we do without them?

See, Juno, this is why we love Salmagundi.

I have been chortling non stop since I read this post this morning… I think the lady behind the cigarette counter at the Spar is worried about me what with the chortling and all, and also because I did what you suggested re setting the cell to anykey answer so that I can just yell into the bag itself. Let her worry! How could she know about haunted handbags? She isn’t the type who has those sorts of things go on, I can tell because among other things her hair is very neat.

angel said...

oh fork that was hysterical!!! more! more!!

Juno said...

Why, thanks meggie, audrey and angel! Your comments have made my day (really, they have). They're a whole lot better than the normal array of comments aimed at me, which include (and these are the mild ones):

'When's supper going to be ready?'
'I've had the crappest day EVER'
'There's nothing in the fridge'
'There's no coffee/milk/sugar/toilet paper'
'Where are the scissors/my screwdriver/my school uniform?'
'I have no homework'
[And, the next morning,]'I haven't done my homework, I forgot, so can I stay at home today?'


I don't think Muriel and I would be writing this blog if it wasn't for your brilliant comments.